Blue Jeans & Bordeaux

Life

In the early 2000s, I used to rush home to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show. It aired every weekday and I was always tuned in. I loved the topics, the performers, and of course the occasional gifts under the seats.

One episode featured Dr. Phil—back when he still felt like a real doctor. I don’t remember the exact topic, but he said something that has quietly shaped the way I’ve lived for the last twenty years.

He said if you can’t get dressed up and comfortably go to a real restaurant by yourself, then you have some issues with self.

That caught my attention. I was a young single mother and I understood that being alone could always be a possibility. I also knew I would never compromise my daughter’s well-being just to avoid loneliness.

So I did the work. I started going to lunch and dinner by myself. I went to the movies alone. Concerts. Conventions. I wanted to genuinely enjoy my own company. I had no idea at the time that I was also preparing for a season of life that would come about twenty years later.

For most of my life, my “slots” have been full. By slots, I mean the people you need and want around you. I’ve always had my sisters, my parents, cousins, best friends, my gym family, my husband, and my daughters. My life has always been full of people I love. Because of that, I’ve only ever connected with people organically. I’ve never walked into a room looking to add someone new. I simply existed in the circles I built.

The interesting thing about being the builder, the connector, the idea-haver—is that when you stop building, connecting, and having the ideas… things get quiet.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve stayed closer to home. I stopped planning things. I call less. It wasn’t a test for anyone. I was just… tired. No. Wore out. Wore out is a better way to describe how I felt.

What I realized during that time is that very few people check on the builder. I don’t say that with sadness or complaint. It was simply a revelation, something to take back to the drawing board.

I take responsibility for my current quiet. I created a lot of my social life. I was usually the one calling, inviting, planning, and gathering people. Today there are five people who call me regularly: my husband, my mother, my two sisters, and one of my daughters. A few others check in every couple of weeks. I see my extended family several times a year and our gatherings are always amazing.

I’m incredibly grateful for all of it. Truly. I know many people who would love to have the amount of connection that I have. But the change is undeniably noticeable and noticing it has simply given me something new to think about as I figure out how I want to build the next version of my life.

I am ready to be outside!

Fitness

I am so back!!!

Since 2021 I’ve tried to “lock in” more times than I can count. Every year I declared that I would not see my birthday without dropping the weight… and for about four years straight I celebrated in the same big-ass shorts.

Let me be clear—shout out to my sisters who are naturally an XL or thriving in an XL. This is not a knock on size. It just isn’t natural for my body. When I’m in an XL, it’s usually evidence that I’ve been doing the most and the least at the same time. For me it means I’ve completely lost the health and fitness plot.

I’m proud to say I’ve found my way back. I’ve been consistently going to the gym, prepping my food, saying no when I should, and drinking less alcohol. I’m back to planning meals before I go out and choosing options that support my goals instead of just whatever I have a taste for.

If you haven’t gotten on this train yet, I encourage you to. Life is simply easier when you’re not huffing up the stairs, when your joints aren’t hurting, when you have real energy, when your mood is better, when your clothes fit the way you like, and when your confidence shows up everywhere else in your life.

Regular exercise and healthy habits are a form of self-love. I saw it over and over during my fourteen years of training women—most of them between 32 and 55, deep in careers, motherhood, marriage, or all three. Many of them had spent years putting themselves last. But with every completed set, another layer peeled back. Some started showing off muscles they once hid. Others ran their first half marathon. A few even found the courage to leave that job—or that raggedy man.

A good friend once said if you finish a fitness transformation with nothing but muscles, you did it wrong.

I can’t wait to see what this next transformation brings!

Book Club

I want to reintroduce my book club. My first attempt was to get us started with Matriarch by Tina Knowles, but the response was pretty quiet. No hard feeling. Sometimes the timing or the topic just doesn’t land. So we’re going to try something different and start with something fun. Our first selection will be A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams. If you’d like to join us, grab a copy and start reading. We’ll meet to talk about the book on May 2nd, and I’ll share the details soon. If you’ve been looking for a reason to read something new and connect with good people, this is your invitation.

Thanks for spending a little time with me today. If something in this post made you think, laugh, or nod your head, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment, share it with someone who might enjoy it, or pass it along to your favorite group chat. Conversations are always better when more voices are in the room.

Kesha

Last month I started seeing a counselor for myself.

This fact will come as a shock to few people considering I suggest counseling to EVERYBODY. ALL THE TIME. I believe in therapy. I have helped many people solve huge problems and come to groundbreaking revelations in my gym. I absolutely believe that a licensed therapist can help.

I have been in a counseling office before. I have sat in a few counseling sessions for marriage counseling. I went three times and didn’t feel the need to go anymore. Even though the counselor said that WE had communication problems, it was clear that my husband was the one who needed counseling. We all know that husbands are THE problem in marriages. There are studies!

I am being funny about husbands being the problem in marriages, but I did in fact skedaddle after the 3rd session. I don’t advise this approach to solve marital issues. Be better than me.

I talked non-stop for 58 minutes during my first solo session. My therapist advised that I explained everything I experienced but did not say how I felt about any of it. She said that I intellectualize everything.

I found her observation to be spot on considering I know for a fact that I stopped being affected by things mid-2021. Something would happen and I would be like, “okay, that’s it?” I also spoke about how my femininity flew out the window in my previous blog. She said she sees this a lot in her clients who are Black women.

And the numbers back that up. Research shows that black adults often carry high levels of psychological stress while being less likely to receive consistent mental health support. Many black women also live under the expectation of always being strong, capable, and emotionally contained. Counseling becomes one of the few spaces where that armor can safely come off.

In order to get back in touch with feeling my personal feelings, she gave me an emotions wheel. I was instructed to take a few minutes each day to describe how I feel using the wheel. I have found the wheel to be amazing. Seeing and choosing the words gives me a lot of clarity. For instance, I may feel angry, but what I am really feeling is resentful. Those are two different things. Those words can create two different conversations. I am going to place a wheel below for you to try it out. You can use this with yourself or someone else who you need to communicate better with.

Counseling is not just for when life is falling apart. There are real, practical benefits: a neutral space to process things without judgment, language for emotions you’ve been carrying for years, healthier communication, and relief from the pressure of holding everything alone.

For many of us, especially black women, counseling can feel unfamiliar, unnecessary, or even indulgent. But it is none of those things. It is maintenance. It is protection. It is care.

Being strong and being supported are allowed to exist at the same time.

If you’ve been thinking about starting, consider this your nudge. You don’t have to wait until you’re overwhelmed. You don’t have to have the perfect reason. You just have to start.